After the FOSTA-SESTA act, the issue of consent has come up in the sex work community. We all know about the blatant sex trafficking where a pimp tricks a foreign woman into prostitution by promising a better life. Even though there are many escorts out there who aren’t trafficked, how many of these transactions between them and their male suitors are actually consensual. In order for somebody to be able to consent, they cannot be under the influence of drugs/alcohol. They cannot be mentally ill. They cannot be desperate or in poverty. The consent has to be something that both parties are comfortable doing sexually. Being in the sex industry as long as I have, I’ve noticed that the definition of consent is a very blurred line at the least. I’ve known too many escorts with drug problems, mental health issues and coming from impoverished conditions. If all things being equal, they wouldn’t be escorting then we have an issue to contend with as sex workers and clients.
From working at outcall escort agencies to brothels to indy work, I’ve noticed that most of the women I’ve met came from poorer neighborhoods with little opportunity. They didn’t have much of an education even though they would lie to cover it up. Many were feeding a drug habit. There were a few who were genuinely happy to escort. But in general, I’d say at least 35% has substance abuse issues, 35% were coming from poverty or working class backgrounds (and these overlap) and 30% were content with their job. I’ve met women who were self-confirmed nymphomaniacs and women that want to explore their sexuality more. Interestingly enough, these women still insisted that they would only do what they were comfortable with. In other words, even the nymphomaniacs had their preferences or limits. I’m always glad to hear about these types of women, because they truly enjoy their jobs. However, even they face challenges. They have guys trying to push their boundaries to get them to do things they are not comfortable with. They all have encountered the misogynistic pig who insists that because they are paying they should get whatever they want. I wish I could go to my hair dresser and say “Since I’m paying x amount of dollars, I want my hair dyed, cut this way with the fringe just like this, a keratin treatment and do it standing on your head.” Something tell me he/she would tell me to take a hike especially if I wanted it for $50.
Now seriously, this transaction sometimes doesn’t make sense to me. For instance, here is a hypothetical. I’m dealing with a client. I’m comfortable giving head and having sex, because I am into it with that person. I’m not into oral on me, kissing or swallowing with that person. So instead of going along with what both of us enjoy, this person insists on doing something that I’m not comfortable with. Now, pardon my ignorance, but why the fuck would you want to do something with someone who isn’t into it. Doesn’t that defeat the purpose? Then if they cave and say yes, wouldn’t you be the least suspicious that they said so out of desperation. Again, I wouldn’t want to put someone in this situation, so I go along with what both of us are into. I’ve never pressured a guy into anything he didn’t want to do, because I want both of us to enjoy it. No, I’ve never paid for it technically, but don’t we all pay for it on some level. Let’s look at all the things women due to appeal to the male sex. Losing weight, dying their hair, straightening their hair, waxing unwanted hair, make up, cute skirts, blouses, heels and pedicures/manicures. And all this costs, you guessed it, money. So one can theorize that women pay for it, too. It’s just in a not so obvious way.
D&L Hair Salon, South Miami
Even so, it’s far from me to say something like I just got my hair done, so you owe me oral sex. Yet, so many guys approach escorts this way. Why? Does anyone ever ask these questions or is it all going to come down to a bunch of acronyms and ratings on a review board, the bro code and women who are desperate enough to go along with anything as long as they can get high or pay rent. The bro code is part of a culture that tells guy to get whatever they want regardless of how it affects others or who it hurts. But, you’re a man and an individual. Shouldn’t it be up to you to make the decisions on how you interact with women. I knew a guy who loved BBWs (large women), but others guys would talk smack at him for being into larger women instead of playboy types. I said that he should own what he’s into and not let other people tell him what girls to have sex with. He owns it now. The point is that once these things are out in the open and can be discussed, we can be headed toward better solutions than the back alley abortion type status we are stuck with now. Nobody says anything but in secrecy. Anything that is done is conducted in the most unsafe manner for fear of being caught. Furthermore, it gives a license for any scam artist to come along and take advantage of either party – client or escort. All of these above reasons are why I push for legalization/decriminalization. I might just get my wish.
